Making friends as a grown-up is weird. You don’t pass notes in class; you share project charters and the occasional “quick favor?” that is often neither quick nor a favor.
I’ve had enough counterfeits in my orbit to spot one. And when I went on my own, the sorting hat did its work in my network… with some people checking in, and others calling when they needed advice, a deck review, or a “could you take a look” that was actually a strategy sprint. Once I wouldn’t help, I vanished from orbit.
And then there are the rare ones who arrive like family…
Last Friday we began with Cabaret on Broadway… and then a sticky night through Times Square, all glare and grin. Saturday was Harlem, where we ate street food and danced in the heat, then wandered around a museum, rode subways like locals, and ended in Chelsea with a slice so elegant it was maybe the best I’ve ever had! Sunday was the Sea Glass Carousel, Battery Park, and the quiet weight of the 9/11 Memorial before going our separate ways.
On the train home I counted the luck of wonderful people I consider friends through my work life. Vibrant people like Sarita who matched my energy immediately, or Vinnie who will geek out on design or dogs until we’re late for the next meeting. There’s Andrea who can talk deep strategy or nail art, or Julie who trades memes while traversing half our lives in a six-minute conversation. And there is Monique, one of my top 5 humans, who I met in a virtual conference on a random Tuesday. These are the ones I want to work with, hang with, learn from (Jennifer, Melissa, Shanny). The kind who celebrates wins and share wounds. And there are more… forgive me if you aren’t tagged, I don’t want LinkedIn to think I’m spamming!
The work-friend math I trust given my allergy to performative friendships:
Reciprocity: Do favors flow both ways?
Consistency: Are they kind without spotlights?
Micro-trust: Do they keep small promises?
Consent: Do they ask before sharing problems? Do you?
Calendar test: If I stop being useful, am I still invited?
If making friends at work is hard, try to…
Lead with specifics, “I loved how you framed that… want to trade notes?” lands better than “Let’s connect.”
Share a resource to show you add value.
Build a ritual, like a meme swap. Rituals are how strangers become friends.
Celebrate publicly, check-in privately.
Good work friends keep you honest and nudge you toward the thing you say you want. They remind you to drink water and not shrink your contributions. Some even canvas NYC with you in stupid heat with joy and sweat, while dancing in the street because the music is that good. And they sit with you in heavy places too.
We need these people. Those who ask how work is going, and how we’re going. Who hold our ambition and grief with care. If you’re looking for them, don’t quit. Share the thing. Offer the seat. Say the truth. The right ones will hear.
Do you have a work friend that changed how you show up?
