I didn’t learn leadership first. I learned likability. For a long time, I treated being liked like workplace insurance. If people liked me, they wouldn’t push back, complain, or leave. Which meant I could relax… until the next meeting invite reminded me that leadership is, in fact, a contact sport.
What I finally realized is this: sometimes “relationship-building” is just conflict avoidance with better branding. It’s not that you’re trying to be fake. You’re trying to be safe. So, you keep the room comfortable, keep everyone close, and quietly pay for it with your clarity.
It shows up looking legit, but it runs on panic. You over-explain decisions so nobody can misunderstand you (or be upset with you). You send the pre-meeting email, the post-meeting email, the recap, and the “just closing the loop” note. Congratulations, you are now your own internal communications department.
You say yes too fast. You add “happy to” to tasks you resent by Wednesday.
You water down feedback until it’s basically “a thought to consider someday, if you’re in the mood.” You avoid clean boundaries because boundaries might cause… feelings. (How dare.)
Then you call it leadership.
But it’s really a confidence outsourcing plan. You walk into a room, scan faces, and let the temperature decide whether you’re allowed to stand behind your own call. Warm room? You’re decisive. Tense room? You’re suddenly “open to revisiting.”
And when leaders lead that way, teams learn to manage the leader instead of the work. They spend energy reading tone, hunting for hints, and waiting for the moment you’ll backpedal to keep everyone comfortable. That doesn’t create psychological safety. It creates suspense.
The shift isn’t “care less.” It’s: stop needing the room to steady you.
And also: your team is not responsible for healing you. They can support you, sure. But if you’re using agreement as emotional protection, you’re handing them a job they never applied for.
This is where SNAK helps me catch myself before I hit send on the novella. SKILLS to say the hard thing cleanly. NETWORK for one trusted reality-check. ACTIVITIES outside work that regulate my system. KNOWLEDGE of my pattern so I can name it in real time.
You don’t need to be liked by everyone to be a good leader. You need to be clear, consistent, and steady enough to let someone disagree without treating it like a crisis.
So, tell me, now that I’ve spilled my “T”, what’s one “likability habit” you’ve had to unlearn as a leader… overexplaining, auto-yes, avoiding conflict, boundary blur, something else?
